“COFFEE WITH THE COMMISH: 2008 MID-SEASON”;
A Q&A
TACKLING THE LATEST ISSUES OF THE RMFL
Posted: Thursday, May 15, 2008
NOTE: the following “discussion” is a strictly humorous
and fictional exchange between the RMFL Commissioner and two of the league’s
most enigmatic personalities, who at one time, had an occasional “difference of
opinion”, however, have since become better friends. The opinions and statements of commissioner
Neumeier, however, are accurate and directly represent the policies and/or
opinions of the actual person.
So, the highly-funded RMFL writing staff gave beat reporter, Mort Snodgrass an extended sabbatical to assist the earthquake ravaged victims of China…and we wish him well in his Good Samaritan pursuits. However, in the interim, RMFL business must go on. The following discussion is a word-for-word video-taped discussion from a recent conversation that occurred in a remote Boise, Idaho Starbucks. RMFL Commissioner, Jared Neumeier, in town visiting family, had just sat down to read the daily copy of the Idaho Statesman when a voice from a nearby table interrupted his train of thought:
Tom Bennett: So… why do you hate the Matadors?!!!
Neumeier (looking around): What!??!
Bennett: The Matadors! Why do you hate us so much???
Neumeier: Who are the Matadors?
Bennett: Don’t you even recognize me? I’m Tom Bennett!!
Neumeier: Bennett… Bennett… Bennett… Are you an old boyfriend of my Mom’s?
(Editor’s note: Neumeier’s mother grew up in Mountain Home, Idaho; his mother is 65 years old)
(Voice cuts in from nearby)
Brian Stogsdill: He’s talking about the team the Boise Speed man-handled twice this year!
Neumeier: The speed… the speed… the
speed… Aw heck, guys, I’m just Frickin with ya! How’s it hangin!!???
Neumeier: On a side note, what a serious coincidence, eh? How did I happen to pick the exact same coffee shop on the very same morning that you two would… also extremely coincidentally… happen into at the exact same time on the exact same day??
Bennett: Holy crap! Are you an idiot? Didn’t you read the disclaimer at the top of the article?? This is a fictional exchange, so ANYTHING’s possible… except for your part, that’s all true. But you still didn’t answer my question. Why do you hate the Matadors!?!?!?
Neumeier: I certainly don’t hate the Matadors. I actually like them a lot. Green’s my favorite color. Why do you even think that?
Bennett: because you never give us any love in your writings and you even had us losing to the Speed twice in your pre-season analysis, when I knew we were a better team and would beat them both times.
Neumeier: Well… didn’t you actually lose to the Speed twice?
Bennett: Well, sure… but they were both close games and you weren’t supposed to project that… it only proves that you hate us.
Stogsdill: Wait a minute! Yeah, the first game was close… 21-14, I think, but didn’t we beat you guys into submission in the second game like 30-13!
Bennett: Sure…. But you cheated in that one!
Stogsdill: How so!?!?
Bennett: YOU weren’t playing quarterback!!! Ha ha ha ha!!
Stogsdill: Yeah… and YOU did. Should we talk about your performance in that game?
Bennett: uh… hmm… no. You know what, isn’t this piece called “Coffee with the Commissioner”? Maybe we should be grilling Neumeier and not each other… save that for the ‘ol RMFL message board.
Stogsdill: Agreed. Besides, I’d like to know what the heck’s been going on with the fricken AA stats this year. It’s never been a problem before. What gives?
Neumeier: Well, as you know, we have new Commissioners that have a share of doing what I have been doing for the past many years. What everyone does not understand, completely anyway, is that it’s a difficult and sometimes labor intensive job. Ed Cerise and Dave Sire are in their first season of doing this and you have to allow that there will be a learning curve and things won’t go as efficiently at first and there will be some learning mistakes.
Demi Moore ( from nearby table): What?!!?!?
Neumeier: Excuse me, are you… Demi Moore?
Bennett: (under his breath) Sure, he recognizes HER!
Neumeier: I
thought you lived in
Demi Moore: Yeah, I do, but NO ONE brews coffee like this place! Me and Ashton and Bruce… you know, the three of us… like to steal over here for a little culture, eat at the Outback… and get a decent cup of coffee.
Neumeier: Why do you even care about the RMFL?
Demi Moore: The RMF what!?!?!!
Neumeier: the semi-pro football league… didn’t you ask me a question a minute ago?
Demi Moore: I just heard some guy from the nearby table spewing a load of horse$hit and had to butt in. Sorry.
Neumeier: No problem. By the way, I loved you in Ghost… but “About last night” my all time favorite…and I don’t need to tell YOU why!! Ooh lah lah!!
(Demi Moore blushes)
Neumeier (back to Stogsdill and Bennett): Whenever you have a business and you bring in new people, you know there may be a step or two backwards before you start moving forwards. No one was going to step in here and perform at the exact same or higher level than I was right out of the gate. There was going to have to be a… slight reduction in services… at first. If I kept up the same workload I was, I’d be completely burnt out and you would have REALLY seen a reduction in what you are used to.
Bennett: So what
about next year? Now that you are back
in
Neumeier: My delegating the authority, work and salary of the Commissioner’s office to others had a lot less to do with my being out of state as it had to do with the growth of our league, necessitating a better division of labor and the development of new leadership for the future.
Demi Moore: What!?!?!!!
Neumeier (slightly annoyed): I thought you were butting out!?!?
Demi Moore: I am. I just read here in the latest copy of People Magazine that Michelle Pfiefer was ranked over me as the most attractive star over 40… OVER me!!!!! I am sorry, but there is NO more attractive star over 40 than I am!!! Holy crap, I’ve even got some hot young stud in his 20’s panting over me!!!
Neumeier: You are pretty hot, but I’d take Nicole Kidman over you in a heartbeat.
Demi Moore: She’s not over 40… is she?
Neumeier: I think so. Tom is like 45.
Bennett: I’m 47!
Neumeier: Sorry, I meant Tom Cruise… the other famous Tom!
(after a brief exchange of “who’s hotter than who”, Stogsdill, Bennett and Neumeier returned to their discussion about the state of the RMFL)
Bennett: Well, I guess we can be a little more patient with the Commissioners… now that you put it that way… other than that, it’s been a pretty good year, don’t you think?
Neumeier: Yeah,
perhaps the best we’ve ever had! A lot
of great stories from the incredible parity of the AAA to some great underdog
stories like Glacier and the Strippling
Warriorz. Last season, the AA power
centers were in
Stogsdill: Do you
think the top four AA teams are in
Bennett: MAYBE the Matadors!?!?! What are you smoking!?!?!!!!!!!!
Stogsdill: (grins) Aw, I was just Fricken with ya. You guys are pretty good too.
Neumeier: It’s not really all that clear yet. No team from the western division has played
a game outside of the division… yet.
Bennett: What about the AAA, have you ever seen such parity?
Neumeier: Actually, several times; including last season. Remember, last season there were no undefeated teams, only one team with just one-loss and the rest had 2 or more, including the eventual champion, Rhino-Raiders. There are a lot of good teams now with a lot of good players and it really makes the league a lot more fun to follow… and probably play in.
Stogsdill: Where is the all-star game going to be and how will that work exactly?
Neumeier: I’ll be sending out “Request for bids” to all
of the Northern Utah teams early next week:
The teams will be split randomly between AAA and AA composition. One team will have the 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9 AAA joining the 2, 4, 6, 8, 10 and 12 AA teams’ players. The other will have the 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 11 AAA joining the 1, 3, 5, 7, 9, 11 AA all-star players. As always, the higher your placing the more players you get. Coaches will rank their own players and they will fill the squads with the higher ranked teams getting the priority. One team will just be designated “Home” and wear their team’s dark jersey’s with the other designated “Visitor” wearing their teams White “away” jersey’s. The game will be on July 12th.
Bennett: Stogs, why would you even ask about the all-star game? Its not like you have a chance!!
Stogsdill: Yeah, and like you and your 50 qb rating do!!!
Bennett: It’s been a tough year. You try playing against YOUR defense twice and see how you do!
Stogsdill: I do… every week in practice!
Bennett: yeah, and I’m sure every week in practice your defense is going like “man, I sure hope Collingwood makes the game”!
Neumeier: Guys, guys… !!! Please save your personal attacks for the message board… where they belong!!
Bennett: What about this whole GAME TIMING issue? I was there when we voted on the 12 minute clock, but there sure seems to be a lot of guys pissed about it.
Neumeier: People seem to be highly focused on the minutes on the clock when a quarter starts and not the amount of actually playing time each team gets. With the High School timing rules, the clock stops more often and for longer than we were doing it last year with the 15 minute clock. If we went back to a 15 minute clock, the games would then become a lot longer than we have been playing them. A four hour game suddenly comes into play for high scoring or passing teams. If we have a potential for 4 hour games, we will end up having to pay our officials more. Also, with longer games, it starts to dilute any new records that are set…. Kind of like when Major League Baseball increased their season from 154 to 162 games. 2-1/2 to 3 hour games are just about right. My information is that although we have had some very quick games, the overall average game isn’t much faster than the last few years. One of the Mustangs players did his own analysis based on the number of plays of an average game last year as opposed to this year. Now, the Mustangs are one of the teams favoring a longer clock, but even he figured we average about 98 plays a game now as opposed to about 102 plays per game before. Not much of a difference for all of the flack.
The real issue is we want our officials to be comfortable calling games like they know how. The trade off is well worth losing maybe 4 or so plays per game. Think of it this way, if you could play the same amount of football in 2-1/2 hours that it was taking you 3 to play, wouldn’t you be FOR it. I know I’d rather play a round of golf in 4 hours rather than 5 when the courses get really busy with slow play. More playing and less doing nothing is good entertainment.
Stogsdill: So you don’t forsee changing it this year, not even in the playoffs.
Neumeier: I definitely don’t see changing it BEFORE the playoffs. However, I can see it being brought up for the playoffs. Especially since our league records don’t include the playoffs. The only thing is that we will not ask our officials to change how they time the game, so if we increase the clock we WILL increase game length. Will playoff teams be prepared to kick in extra money for officials if we are asking them to officiate 4 hours games? I’d more likely see perhaps an increase to a 13 minute clock, that would probably put us at a bit longer and more plays per game than previously without putting our officials into overtime.
Neumeier: I have to get going guys, so just one more question each.
Bennett: I know we will be looking at a high wild card seed, how will that work if we are tied with a division winner, what if the Warriorz get their wins back?
Neumeier: Read my
lips… the Warriorz will NOT get their wins back. I’d be the worst commissioner in the world
if, after giving them a last and final DEAD-line, that was ignored, flaunting
in the face of the league and the other 22 teams, that I did not stick to the
penalty. I’ll resign before I do
that. Second, I’ll make this perfectly
clear: winning a “division” does not give a team seeding privileges over
another team. It is simply not part of the seeding tie-breaker system. If you
finish 5-3 and
Stogsdill: What about the off-season and next year. Of course we will win the AA championship… no doubt, but will you make the runner up move up as well?
Neumeier: I think we have a pretty good program going in the off season. I think even the “free agent window” rule works and is a good one. As far as the AAA/AA next year, of course, it won’t be entirely up to me. I think it may matter on who the teams are. If you do win the title and the Lionz are 2nd, Yes, I think the league will “make” the Lionz move up this time. If it’s the Matadors, correct me if I’m wrong, Tom, but they would jump at the chance to go AAA and the league would support it. Now if it’s the Warriorz, I don’t think we would “make” them go up; in fact, I’m sure we will want to see them have a season without so many administrative guffaws and fines before we want to put them into that class. No matter what, though, whoever the AA champion is, no matter where they come from or how they won, they will HAVE to move up.
Stogsdill: So who would drop down?
Neumeier: Well, we just proved this
year that the number of teams in the AAA is not a set amount. Therefore, I’m not sure we would require
anyone to drop down… yet. If only one AA
team moves up, for instance, we may not drop any of them down. If 2 go up, I can see just dropping one team…
most likely the Seminoles, maybe the Rockets.
I say the Seminoles because they are another team that struggles meeting
deadlines and covering administrative duties.
I don’t think they would be around today if Nate
Cone didn’t keep jumping in and helping them out with management duties. I wouldn’t count on that forever. There is no
reason to consider any other AAA team for a drop. In fact, all 11 seem like, for different
reasons, they belong there.
Neumeier: Gotta go, guys… it was great!! (glancing around) Where did Demi go?
Bennett: I think she thought she saw one of the Jonas Brothers and ran out.
Neumeier: Best of luck the rest of the way guys! If the Wolverines are in the AAA Championship game, I’ll be the “Commissioner on Duty” to award the AA Trophy… maybe I’ll see you both there! For the rest of the RMFL… Best of luck the rest of the way!! Have fun…and stay healthy!!
Stogsdill (after Neumeier leaves): You know I don’t know why you keep going on about how he hates YOUR team, he’s always hated my team more than yours!
Bennett: Horse Poo Poo!!! He hates us the MOST!
Stogsdill: Does Not!!
Bennett: Does to!!!
Stogsdill: Not!!!
Bennett: To!!!
Stogsdill: Not!!!
Bennett: To:!!!
Stogsdill: Not!!!!
Bennett: Not!!!!
Stogsdill: To!!!!
Bennett: Ha ha!! I got ya!!!!!
(laughter; as the two former rivals become the best of friends and regular golfing buddies)
Stay tuned for the next “Coffee with the Commish”
installment! Word on the street is that
while relaxing at an